


CONNOR

by FracturedSkeleton



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor is alive, I hate it but I had to, I swear it'll have happy moments, I'm really proud of my song rewrites though so, I'm trying to change the name and summary but it's not working, Jared is in this more and I hope I do him and Connor justice, SO, Sorry Evan is dead, That's a plus?, i died a little on the inside writing this, jared cronches bath bombs and connor encourages this behaviour, reverse au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-06 08:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11032956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FracturedSkeleton/pseuds/FracturedSkeleton
Summary: After Connor signs Evan's cast and blows up over his letter, what if he isn't the one to commit suicide?Jared is surprisingly not an asshole all the time and Heidi is nice but does that justify what he's doing?Song lyrics are rewritten to fit the role reversal.





	1. Does Anybody have a Map?

**Author's Note:**

> Short beginning chapter. Nothing changes yet but I still want to put this in because it would feel weird not to. Sorry I didn't put in the song lyrics but again, it would be the same.

Of course the first thing he hears when Connor manages to drag himself out of bed and downstairs is bickering. His father is complaining about traffic, his sister seems to think he finished the milk when he hasn’t eaten in the past twelve hours, and his mother insists he goes to school. The first day of senior year was going so well. Note the tone of sarcasm.

He can’t help but zone it all out. He’s heard it all for what seems like a good four years now. 

“Are you high, Connor?” his mother asks him, voice full of disappointment.

“He’s definitely high,” Zoe states, still a little angry about the milk being gone.

Connor’s mom was exasperated, “You know how I feel about you going to school high!”

“Great!” he exclaimed, completely done with this morning already. “Then I don’t have to go!” He shoved the chair out from the table and stormed out of the house. Normally he wouldn’t feel as annoyed, but this morning he actually wasn’t high when they accused him. The fact that they just assumed he always was made him want to smoke just out of spite.


	2. Banging at the Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the changes start!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so proud of my lyrics. I hope I changed it in a way that makes sense for Connor!
> 
> Also I'm sorry I was lazy about looking up the actual conversation. I got the main points but I'm sure the wording is very off.

School wasn’t much better for his mood.  The first thing anyone says to him is from the incredibly annoying Jared Kleinman.

 

“Nice hair length, Connor!  Very School-shooter chiche!” Jared exclaims.

 

Connor stops in his tracks and doesn’t recall much of his outburst.  He shouted a sarcastic remark in response and shoved Jared’s sidekick when he laughed at him.  The next thing he knows he’s rushing into the bathroom to try to calm down.  The poor kid probably didn’t deserve to get shoved so hard he fell.  Didn’t that kid also have a cast?

 

His anger was still overbearing when he punched the wall, even as guilt crept into his mind.

 

_I’ve always slammed on the gas_

_The moment that I turn the key_

_Because I’m always an ass_

_Because I lead with the worst of me_

 

_Give them the reason to stare_

_No chasing down if you chase away_

_So I’ve got nothing to share_

_No I’ve got nothing to say_

 

_Step out step out of the sun if you keep getting burned_

_Step out step out of the sun because you’ve learned because you’ve learned_

 

_On the outside always looking in I won’t_

_Ever be more than I’ve always been_

_I’m not tap tap tapping on the glass_

_Waving through a window_

 

_I tried to speak but nobody would hear so I_

_stopped waiting for an answer to appear_

_I’m not watch watch watching people pass_

_Waving through a window-ooooh_

 

_Could anybody see?  No one ever waved back to me._

 

Connor saw the door move as someone began opening it and slammed it back shut.

 

“HEY What the f-”

 

“GO THE FUCK AWAY,” Connor yelled.  A yelp from the other kid, and he continued to be alone in the bathroom.  His anger was slowly calming, but guilt and despair were creeping in.

 

    _We start with stars in our eyes_

_We start believing that we belong_

_But every sun doesn’t rise_

_And all you hear is how you are wrong_

 

_Step out step out of the sun if you keep getting burned_

_Step out step out of the sun because you’ve learned because you’ve learned_

 

_On the outside always looking in will I_

_Ever be more than I’ve always been_

_I’m just tap tap tapping on the glass_

_Waving through a window_

_I try to speak but nobody can hear so I_

_wait around for the answer to appear_

_As I’m watch watch watching people pass_

_Waving through a window_

 

_Can anybody see?  Is anybody waving_

 

_If you’ve fallen in a forest, and there’s nobody around_

_Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?_

_It’s like you never make a sound_

_Will I ever make a sound?_

 

_On the outside always looking in will I_

_Ever be more than I’ve always been_

_I keep bang bang banging on the glass_

_Bashing at the window_

_I try to speak but nobody will hear yet I_

_Wait and hope for the answer to appear_

_As I’m watch watch watching people pass_

_Banging at the window_

_BANGING_

_BANGING_

_BANGING_

_woah~_

  


After a few periods pass, Connor emerges.  Guilt still lurks in his head from pushing the kid earlier.  He was pretty sure he shared a class or two with him.  What was his name?  Ethan?  It started with an E, that he knew.  Maybe it was Evan?  Evan sounded right.  Tracking him down and apologizing: a tall order, but Connor was tall.  He could manage this one thing.  Hopefully.

 

It took a little wandering, but he eventually found Evan in the computer lab.  

 

“ _Yup_ ,” Connor thought.  “ _That’s a cast.  I pushed a kid with a broken fucking arm.  Great_.”

 

    The printer had just finished spitting out a piece of paper.  Considering no one else was in there, Connor took it out to bring to the other boy.  Evan didn’t notice Connor until he was a few chairs away from him.  He must have jumped an actual six inches from his chair despite Connor not making an effort to being quiet and literally no one else being in the room.

 

    “You’re Evan, right?” Connor asked him.  He _really_ hoped he didn’t mess up the name, despite checking the first line of text on the paper and seeing the name Evan Hansen on it.

 

    “Uh… yeah that’s me I’m Evan,” the boy stumbled out.

 

    “What happened to your arm?” Connor asked, mentally berating himself the moment the words left his mouth.  He was supposed to be apologizing, not making small talk.  Although, maybe if he kept his cool…

 

    “I fell out of a tree….” Evan mumbled.

 

    Connor couldn’t hold in the chuckle, “Well that’s the most pathetic thing I ever heard.”  

 

    Evan glanced up to make brief eye contact before looking away again, “Yeah… I know.”

 

    It was quick but Connor saw something familiar.  It wasn’t shame, but he could tell Evan wasn't telling the full truth.  "Did you fall, or did you let go?"

    The shorter boy fidgeted, but didn't answer.  After another quiet moment, Connor looked back to the cast and saw it was still blank.  “No one’s signed your cast yet…” he stated.

 

    “Oh!  N-no, but it’s ok-” Evan stuttered before being cut off.

 

    “Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked.

 

    Evan fumbled to pull out a sharpie from his pocket and let out a small yelp as Connor signed a little too enthusiastically.  He didn’t want to screw this up.  Connor was doing well so far, he hadn’t yelled or been as intimidating as usual.  He was making a big attempt to be _nice._

   

    “Now we can pretend we both have friends,” Connor stated hopefully.  Maybe pretending could lead to actual friends?

 

They stood in silence for a moment before Connor remembered he still had Evan’s sheet he had printed out.  “Oh, here’s your paper.  I saw it in the printer and figured I could bring it to you.”

 

    “OH don’t read that it-” Evan exclaimed, panic in his voice.  

   

 

    Connor didn’t hear any more of his protest as his anger bubbled back up.  “Is the Zoe that you wrote about my sister?  Did you write about her KNOWING I’d be IN HERE?  So I would BLOW UP and you could tell EVERYONE HOW I’M CRAZY?”  He saw Evan’s frantic movements and heard him saying something, but the words didn’t register to Connor as he furiously stormed out of the room and down the hall.

 

    Evan stood there on a verge of an anxiety attack for a good minute before calmness overtook him.  It was an odd feeling.  The last time he felt it was as he let go of the tree branch.  His thoughts were surprisingly clear as he stared at the door Connor had rushed through.

   

    _“He changed his mind about pretending to be friends,_ ” he thought.   _“I messed it up.  No one wants to be around me.  Even_ **_Connor Murphy_ ** _,_ _the only other guy in school as friendless as me, wants nothing to do with me.  He didn't even want to be PRETEND friends.  If he hates me, no one will ever like me.  Even a little._ ”  Evan stared more another minute before silently turning the computer off, collecting his things, and walking back home.

   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you could say he was... Connor in the Bathroom ;)
> 
> Here's a link to what I sketched from this chapter!  
> https://fracturedskeleton.tumblr.com/image/161374389041


	3. Disbelief

    Despite his usual dread to going to school, Connor manages to get out of the house before he has to hear more about his downfalls from his family.  There was also Evan to worry about.  After his outburst in the computer lab, he hadn’t seen him around school.  Evan did seem like the type to blend in easy and go unnoticed, but Connor was making an effort.  The other boy hadn’t really done anything antagonistic to him in all the years Connor was known as the crazy kid besides hang around that asshole, Jared.  It was really starting to make him feel guilty how he treated him terribly their past two encounters.  It probably said something that every time he was near him he got angry, no fault to Evan.  Maybe he’d be better off if Connor just left him alone.  Thinking about it, being friends with the anger issues kid everyone was terrified of wouldn’t help him socially.

 

    As Connor entered the school, he saw Jared and gritted his teeth in preparation for today’s snidey comment.  Normally, Jared would catch just a glimpse of Connor and let loose but today, he oddly just glanced at him and turned away without a hint of emotion.  Strange, but Connor would take it.  He’d rather not be ridiculed first thing in the morning seeing as it was going well after dodging interacting with his parents and sister.

 

    He attended the first few classes of the day bored out of his skull and Evan’s letter to himself burning in his pocket.  Putting together a decent apology in his head wasn’t easy.  Connor didn’t know what to say or how to show he meant it.  The apology was angrily getting mentally ripped up again for the fourth time when he heard Evan’s name whispered by some classmates a few rows up.

 

“-yeah last night I heard,” one kid whispered.

 

“Someone told me he did it with pills,” another exclaimed as quietly as he could.

 

“I think Evan was in my next period so we’ll probably get told about it,” the last one stated.

 

    Connor’s eyebrows pinched together.  They were talking about Evan and pills in the past tense.  Did he land himself in the hospital again or something?  The bell rang and he trudged to his next class.  If his classmate was right then he’d probably hear about it in one of his next periods.

 

    It wasn’t until around lunch when he finally heard what actually happened.  The peppy girl, Alana, was loudly talking nonstop about it at one of the tables.

 

“He was a close acquaintance of mine!” she stated.  “It’s hard to believe he would do such a thing.  Evan didn’t seem suicidal but I guess you can never tell until it’s too late.  It’s such a devastating thing for him to commit suicide!”

 

    He froze.  Suicide?  Connor figured he hadn’t broken his arm falling out of a tree but… he figured Evan had gotten help.  Someone had to have known.  Why would he… Connor knew why.  That was something relatable.  But why Evan?  What….

 

    Connor didn’t attend any classes for the rest of the day.  Apparently he wasn’t the only one as news spread about Evan.  Even during the two days after, he attended classes even more sporadically.  It was by pure chance that the only one he went to that day he heard someone mention Evan’s funeral being the next day.

 

    Of course Connor went.

 

    He didn’t dress in anything fancy, just his usual black jacket and pants.  Connor hovered near the walls.  The funeral had been open to students, but there were only a handful.  He saw Jared with who had to be his mom and a blonde woman with puffy red eyes from crying to the point of having no tears left.  Then there was Evan.  Connor’s eyes were glued to him.  He thought they would have taken off the cast, but there it was.  Or rather, there was his name, sprawled in huge letters that took up all the space on it.  No one would miss that, that he had been one of the last people to interact with him.  

 

    He hadn’t noticed he had drifted closer to the coffin until Jared broke him out of his thoughts.

 

“CONNOR!” he yelled, “What are YOU doing here?”

 

    Connor’s head snapped away from Evan and to Jared, standing near the poor woman who was now staring wide eyed at him.  He tried to come up with something to say, mouth slightly opening before turning back to Evan one more time and then rushing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original story doesn't have a funeral scene that I can recall but seeing as Connor doesn't leave his full name on Evan's cast...


	4. For Forever

    His heart couldn’t stop pounding as he shoved open the door and sped his way through the parking lot toward his car.  Evan didn’t look like himself.  Despite never really talking to him, Connor had seen him in the halls shrinking into himself to avoid crashing into people, saw his face pinch up with anxiety answering questions in the classes they shared.  In the casket he looked so…. _at peace._  Like he was fine with his mother bawling to the point of having no tears left.  He wasn’t like Connor.  His mother loved him, he had a jackass friend who did care, he didn’t have a dad around who wouldn’t let him forget any of his mistakes.  Yet there he had been, the calmest he had ever looked.  Too bad he was dead.  

 

    He was nearly to his car when he finally heard the frantic voice calling his name.  Stopping in his tracks, Connor turned, surprised to see the blonde woman, Evan’s mom, running after him.

 

“Wait!” she called.  Too shocked to move, she quickly caught up with him.  “You’re Connor… right?”

 

He blinked, “Uh… yeah.  Why?”

 

She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, a nervous tick she might have picked up from her son. “Your…. your name is on Evan’s cast.  I-I didn’t know which Connor since you didn’t put your last name and Jared says you’re the wrong Connor but you’re the only Connor that showed up and…” her voice was slow and shaky as she trailed off.  

 

“That’s me,” Connor nervously stated.

 

Evan’s mom’s expression melted into relief, “I’m so happy to meet you.  Evan didn’t have many friends so… Would you like to come to dinner?  I understand if you wouldn’t want to but… I figured why not ask anyway.”

 

He stared at her for a moment.  No one was ever _happy_ to see him and he’d never been asked to come to dinner.  “I… I could.”

 

She gave him a smile, still strained and sad, but hopeful.  “Great!  How about tomorrow?”

 

Connor nodded and watched as she walked back inside to the funeral.  He stood there for a minute before walking back to his car and driving home.

 

“Where have you been?” Zoe asked as he closed the front door.

 

“Funeral,” Connor gave as a curt response.  He kicked off his shoes and made his way to his room, not looking to where she sat on the couch.

 

“Evan’s?  Why?  The only time you spoke to him was you shoving him,” she called to Connor as he sped his way up the stairs.

 

He slammed his door shut and leaned his head against it.  She had a point.  He never had been friends with Evan.  The only proper conversation they had had was in the computer lab before Connor had blown up.  Before Evan had…  He knew it was his fault.  If he hadn’t screamed at him, if he had acted on his suspicon that Evan had let go of the branch…  Now he was going to have dinner with his mom.  In his house.  Acting like they had been friends.  He’d have to tell her she was wrong.  Her son wouldn’t be a friend of someone like Connor.

 

Standing on the doorstep was awkward.  He planned on telling her once she opened the door that they hadn’t been friends and walking away, but when she did her face lit up once she recognized him.  

 

“Connor!  Come in!” she greeted.  “Dinner is just about done.  Today’s Tuesday and Evan and I would always have Taco Tuesday if I was home so I hope you like them!”  

 

She guided him inside and through the living room toward the kitchen.  It was small and everything was close together, but it was a cozy crowded.  Not empty and lonely looking.  Like someone was actually living there.

 

“Why is he here?” a voice called from the stairwell.

 

Connor looked back where Jared came down and turned toward the kitchen.  “I told you he had nothing to do with Evan,” he stated, a sneer inching its way onto his face.

 

“I invited him over for dinner.  Seeing as Evan… I just wanted to get to know his friends,” she said.

 

Connor turned back to look at Evan’s mom, ready to agree with Jared and clear up the misunderstanding, but she looked happy, _hopeful_ , even.  He normally would ignore others’ feelings and leave, but that hope was because of _him._  If he snatched that away… When it was his fault her son was dead to begin with…

 

His thoughts were still conflicted when she motioned for him and Jared to come sit down to eat.  Jared shoved past him and shot a glare at him.

 

“So,” Evan’s mom cheerfully said as she sat down, “what do you two want on your tacos?  I got the whole spread here.”

 

“Can you pass the sour cream, Hiedi?” Jared asked her, pointedly ignoring Connor who could have passed it easier.

 

“Sure!” Heidi passed it to him and turned to Connor.  “Evan never spoke much about his friends, Connor.  So tell me!  When did you two meet?”

 

“Uh…” Connor looked down to his plate.  Technically he wouldn’t be lying… “School.  We’ve been in the same grade since first.”

 

“You’ve been friends for a long time then?” she asked.

 

“Not really…” Connor trailed off.  He couldn’t bring himself to lie but he couldn’t just brashly tell her no.

 

There was a lapse in the conversation before Heidi had another question, “What did you two do together?”

 

He shuffled a bit in his chair, still unable to answer.

 

Her smile faultered a bit before chuckling, “That was a bit brash.  I get you don’t want to talk about that stuff right after…”  She sighed and it was quiet again, although Connor could swear he could hear the constant stream of curses Jared had to have been thinking with that unbreaking glare he had directed at him.

 

She had a realization and looked at Connor again, “I asked Jared and he didn’t know but… did Evan… ever tell you about how he broke his arm?  When I got to the hospital he wouldn’t say any more than falling out of a tree…”

 

Connor looked at her.  Her eyebrows were pinched together and she looked nervous, hesitant.  He knew he hadn’t ‘fallen’ but if he told her that Evan had attempted suicide months before and she hadn’t gotten him help in time…  Connor had nothing to lose.  Evan was still dead.

 

“I was with him,” Connor stated.

 

Jared looked surprised before shooting a harsh accusation, “You did it?!”

 

Connor glared at Jared, who shrunk a bit at the determained look.  “We were hanging out,” he stated.  His mind was made up on what he would tell her.

 

_End of May or Early June this…_

_Picture perfect afternoon we shared_

_Drive the winding country road_

_Grab a scoop at A La Mode_

_And then we’re there_

 

_An open feild that’s framed with trees_

_We pick a spot and shoot the breeze_

_Like buddies do_

_Quoting songs by our favourite bands_

_Telling jokes no one understand_

_Except us two_

_And we talk and take in the view_

 

_All we see is sky for forever_

_We let the world pass by for fever_

_Feels like we could go on for forever this way_

_Two friends on a perfect day_

 

_We walk a while and talk about_

_The things we’ll do when we get out of school_

_Bike the Appalachain trail or_

_Write a book or learn to sail_

_Wouldn’t that be cool?_

 

_There’s nothing that we can’t discuss_

_Like girls we wish would notice us but never do_

_He looks around and says to me_

_“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be”_

_And I say “Me too”_

 

_And we talk and take in the view_

_We just talk and take in the view_

 

_All we see is sky for forever_

_We let the world pass by for forever_

_Feels like we could go on for forever this way, this way_

 

_All we see is light for forever_

_‘Cause the sun shines bright for forever_

_Like we’ll be alright for forever this way_

_Two friends on a perfect day_

 

_And there he goes racing toward the tallest tree_

_From far across the yellow feild I hear him calling “Follow me”_

_There we go wondering how the world might look from up so high_

 

_One foot after the other_

_One branch then to another_

_I climb higher and higher_

_He climbs ‘til the entire sun shines on his face_

 

_And then suddenly I hear a branch give way_

_He’s on the ground_

_My mind goes numb_

_I rush back down_

_And he sees I’ve come to get him_

_And everything’s okay_

 

_All we see is sky for forever_

_We let the world pass by for forever_

_Buddy, you and I for forever this way, this way_

 

_All we see is light_

_‘Cause the sun burns bright_

_We could be alright for forever this way_

_Two friends_

_True friends_

_On a perfect day_

 

Connor saw Heidi believed it and Jared conflicted but convinced.  He just wished it had been true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad people are enjoying this AU! I can't promise an update every day but when I'm motivated I'll write and update. Don't worry, this fic won't be abandoned. I've already planned everything out. I just need to dredge up the energy to write it all. Thanks for reading! C:


	5. Sincerely Me

Connor managed to get through dinner without having to make up any more memories.  Sure, he had added he had emailed with Evan, but Heidi seemed satisfied with the one memory and Connor didn’t have any other ideas.  He was ready to bolt out the door once the dishes were cleared when Jared grabbed his arm.

 

“We’re going to go up to Evan’s room.  Is that ok?” he asked Heidi, his hand like a vice on Connor’s forearm.

 

“Of course!” Heidi smiled.  “Just tell me if you need anything.”

 

Jared smiled back and refused to let go of Connor until he closed Evan’s bedroom door.

 

“WHAT THE HELL?” Jared whisper-screamed.

 

Connor’s face scrunched up in anger and annoyance, “What?”

 

“I know for a FACT you two weren’t friends so what the _fuck_ gives?  Couldn’t leave him alone?!  He’s DEAD and you keep FUCKING with him!” Jared shoved Connor, causing him to step back.

 

Connor shoved back, regaining distance between the two of them.  “You think I don’t _know_ that?”

 

Jared opened his mouth to yell something back but caught himself, confused, “YOU- wait… what?”

 

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair, “All I did was sign his cast when I apologized for shoving him.  I found a letter thing and saw my sister’s name and…  All I know is she seems to think we were friends and I couldn’t just… Didn’t you see her face?”

 

Jared blinked and stared, “You… you lied… to be.. nice?  Wait… how’d you even come up with the whole orchard thing?  You didn’t know Evan liked trees.”

 

Connor groaned and tilted his head back before looking back at Jared.  “It’s one of the only good memories I have.  I figured while I’m lying I might as well let her think her dead kid had at least one good day.”

 

Stumped, Jared’s face became thoughtful as he put his hands on his hips, “Well then I guess we should keep this going.”

 

“What?” Connor deadpanned.  “I was only doing this one memory and then riding off into the sunset to smoke pot.  I never signed onto this… whatever you’d call this.”

 

Jared shook his head, “You don’t really have to do anything.  Heidi hasn’t gotten into Evan’s email and I have his password.  I can make some emails as him to you, and you can write some in response.  Seeing her is completely optional.”

 

Connor’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, “Why…?”

 

He shrugged, “You’ve got a point.  Heidi has her hopes up about Evan having another friend.  And it’ll….” Jared’s face melted from cockiness into sorrow.

 

Connor saw that Jared wanted to keep Evan alive a little longer, even if it meant faking emails and making fake memories.  His shoulders slumped and he let out a deep breath, “Fiiiiine.  But I swear if I have to interact with any sobbing parents…”

 

Jared brightened up some, “Gotcha!”  He took a few steps and plopped onto the bed, picking up the laptop on the nightstand.  “By the way-” he said, not looking up from the screen, “-you made that whole orchard thing sound _rediculously_ gay.”

 

He shrugged, sitting down at the foot of the bed, “I figured that’s what friends do.”

 

The typing stopped and Jared looked back at Connor, face scrunched up in disbelief, confusion, and possibly empathy.  “Not really… then again I can’t judge.  My idea of what friendship is is playing video games and never leaving the house.”

  


_Dear Connor Murphy, we’ve been way to out of touch_

_Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don’t talk that much_

_But I should tell you that I think of you each night_

_I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight_

  


“Seriously?” Connor asked, eyebrow arched and arms crossed.

 

Jared chuckled, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

  


_I gotta tell you life without you has been hard_

  


“Hard?” Connor scoffed.

  


_Has been bad_

  


“Bad?” he critiqued.

  


_Has been rough_

  


Connor snickered, “Kinky.”

 

Jared had to stop typing for a moment to offer Connor a fist-bump.  He grinned and bumped his fist to Jared’s.

  


_And I miss talking about life and other stuff_

  


“Very specific,” Connor chuckled.

 

Jared shrugged, “That’s Evan.  Either not specific or rambling every detail.  Here, you add something.”  He dropped the computer onto Connor’s lap.

  


_I like my mother_

  


“Like?” Jared deadpanned.

  


_I love my mother, but each days another fright_

_If I start smoking pot then everything might be alright_

  


“Evan? Pot?” Jared chuckled.

 

Connor shrugged, “He seemed anxious.  It works for me.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes.

  


_If I start smoking crack_

  


Jared lightly smacked Connor’s arm, “Funny.”

  


_If I was less anxious then everything might be alright_

 

_I’ll take your advice_

_I’ll try to not think twice_

_I’ll turn it around_

_Wait and see!_

 

_Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention_

_It’s easy to change if you give it your attention_

_All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be_

_Sincerely me_

  


Jared raised his eyebrows, “Very optomistic and kinda sounds like something he’d say.”

 

Connor went into his own email to write back to Evan, “It’s the same message from my dad but… Less threatening and pompus?  You said Evan was a tree nerd, right?”

  


_Dear Evan Hansen, yes I also miss our talks._

_Don’t do drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks_

_I got your pictures of the most amazing trees_

_I'm so impressed with all your forest expertise_

 

_Dude I’m proud of you, just keep pushing through_

_You’re turning around, I can see_

 

_Just wait and see!_

 

_Cause all that it takes is a little Re-In-Ven-Tion!_

_It’s easy to change if you give it your A-Ten-Tion!_

_All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be_

_Sincerely me_

 

_Your sister’s hot_

  
  


“What the hell?” Connor asked.

 

“My bad!  Evan wouldn’t be so straightforward,” Jared snickered.

  
  


_Dear Connor Murphy, Thanks for every note you send_

  


_Dear Evan Hansen, I’m just glad to be your friend_

  


_Our friendship goes beyond_

_Your average type of bond_

  


_But not because we’re gay_

 

_No not because we’re gay_

 

_We’re close but not that way_

_The only man that I “love” is my dad_

 

_Well anyway_

_You’re getting better everyday!_

 

_I’m getting better everyday!_

 

_Getting better everyday!_

_HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!_

 

_Cause all that it takes is a little Re-In-Ven-Tion!_

_It’s easy to change if you give it your A-Ten-Tion!_

_All you gotta do is just belive you can be who you wanna be_

_Sincerely, Miss you dearly, Sincerely me!_

 

_Sincerely me_

 

_Sincerely me_

 

_Sincerely me!_

  


Jared looked over the two emails and nodded.  “We can print these off in a few days and give them to Heidi.  She’ll be thrilled.”

 

Connor stretched and stood up.  “Back to my normal life as a disapointment.”

 

Laptop closed and returned to it’s spot, Jared landed a hand on Connor’s shoulder, who turned around confused.  He took his hand off and looked away for a moment, “I, uh… Sorry about the comment on your hair the other day.”

 

“Oh…” Connor blinked, taken competely by surprise.

 

Jared offered a cocky smile, “I know I’m insanely cool, maybe too cool for you, but…” he faultered for a second, unsure.  “If you wanna, you know, be friends at school…  Or outside.  Figure out other stuff besides orchards and video games.”

 

Connor stared in disbelief, “You sure?”

 

Jared shrugged and shuffled his feet, “Well… yeah.  Sure, you’ve got issues but so do I?”

 

There was silence for a few seconds before a small smile appeared on Connor’s face, “Social suicide.  I can get behind that.”

 

The two went back downstairs, said goodbye to Heidi after promising to come back in a few days, and went different ways down the street.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to add a picture to chapter 2 but I've got no clue how that works so.... Hopefully I will eventually cause I've sketched out some of the stuff c:


	6. Requiem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOO I keep listening to the soundtrack and sobbing cause it's too beautiful and I have been blessed with the motivation to write this out!!! Thanks for the kudo's and comments! That's a huge push to add to this and I'm glad you guys like it!

For Jared, school was worse than it had been.  People would pat him on the shoulder, look him in the eye, and tell him that they were sorry and that it was best for everyone to move on, but they’d be there for him.  Liars.  Every one them.  He saw they weren’t really sorry.  They didn’t really get how yeah, they had been more casual than most about their friendship at school, yeah, it looked they really were just _family friends,_ but Evan had been Jared’s best and only friend,  And they were all telling Jared to forget that.

 

Connor’s school life just became awkward.  Somehow it got around school that he had been one of Evan’s closest friends and suddenly people were seeking him out.  Instead of giving him space when he entered a room, someone would come up and try to talk to him about Evan.  He only knew of one other person who knew about this whole fiasco and he was ready to punch him out.

 

“Hey,” Jared tiredly greeted Connor.  They had met up at the end of school to deliver Heidi the emails and Connor had been waiting by Jared’s car for five minutes now, waiting for the other to finally trudge over.

 

“What the actual fuck?” Connor seethed.  “Did you seriously tell the entire school that I was Evan’s friend?  Do you _know_ how hard it is to sneak out to get high when the teachers suddenly care about you?!”

 

Jared rubbed his hand over his face, “You know Alana?  I might have mentioned that we all were friends to get her off my back.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”  He groaned and plopped himself into the passenger seat.  “Alana is the biggest blabber mouth of the school.  She’s essentially the biggest news source.”

 

Turning on the ignition and driving out of the parking lot, Jared stayed a bit on the somber side, “She’s also just… I dunno.  She doesn’t really think, sometimes.”

 

Connor scoffed, “I couldn’t tell.”

 

The drive to Evan’s house was better as the conversation turned to bands.

 

“Ok, no.  You are not controlling the music, Connor,” Jared stated.  “Evanesence is not going to be played in my car.”

 

He rolled his eyes, “Everyone went through that phase at least once, including you, and I left mine three years ago.  In defense, her music is actually good.”

 

Jared sputtered, “No.  No.  I will not let you think I actually listened to-”  He looked back to Connor whose face was expressionless except for a disbelieving eyebrow.  “Ok fine I did like her music.  That was seventh grade though, which is like three years before you so I still have control over the music,” he rushed.

 

Connor had started digging through the CD’s stored in between the seats, “You soooo can’t judge me here.”  

 

“You don’t just dig through people’s CD’s!  And Ashely Tisdale was amazing in High School Musical, you can’t diss her.”

 

“You’ve got a point there,” Connor conceded, still flipping through.  “Hey you wouldn’t happen to actually have…”

 

Jared grinned, “Oh you _know_ I have the CD.  What do you think is in the player?”

 

“Fuck yes.”  Connor tapped the on switch.  “We are un-ironically listening to this.”

 

The rest of the ride comprised of the two of them terribly singing along to _Bop to the Top_ without missing any lyrics.

 

Both boys were still joking around as they walked up to the door.  Heidi was taken aback by how the animosity from the other day was completely dispersed, the two talking as if they had always been friends.

 

“Hey!  We brought over some of the emails Connor was talking about,” Jared said as he offered her the sheets of paper.

 

“There aren’t that many there,” Connor stated, “but I can print some more out if you want.”

 

Heidi stared at the words for a moment before remembering the two were still on the doorstep.  “Oh!  No, that’s ok.  I’m just… Did you two want to come in?”

 

Jared shook his head, “That’s ok, Heidi.  I’ve gotta get home and we figured you’d want to be alone.”

 

She nodded, still staring at the paper in her hands, “Thank you.  Both of you.”

 

The two made their way back to the car.  “How far is your place from here?” Jared asked.  “I really do have to get home but I can drive you."

 

Connor waved his hand dismissively, “Nah, I’m close enough to walk.  I’d rather take longer to get there, anyway.”

 

Jared shrugged, “Ok.  We should hang out again tomorrow.”

 

“Sure,” Connor replied.  He tried to not let his face show how he was actually a little excited at the prospect of actually having a friend to spend time with.

 

“Wait,” Jared closed his car door and pulled out his phone.  “Put your number in here.”

 

He took the phone and added his number and entered a few choice emojis into the name slot.  Namely, the ones that implied weed along with the skull and middle finger.

 

 

 

Jared knew his mom and dad would be home.  Apparently they thought they should finally mention Evan at dinner when they actually had a conversation together over five sentences long.

 

“We know it’s been hard losing Evan,” his mom said sympathetically.  “But we all have to move on.”

 

“Moping around isn’t going to get us anywhere,” his dad added in.

 

“What we’re trying to say,” his mom pointedly glared at his dad before turning back to him, “is that we’re worried.  You’ve been so depressed lately.  You can’t just hole yourself in your room for forever.”

 

His dad shook his head, “It isn’t what Evan would want you to do.”

 

“Maybe you should make more friends and spend some time with them,” his mom concluded.

 

Jared tuned out the rest of the conversation, mechanically finishing the food on his plate and leaving the table.  He thought they’d be less apathetic.  Evan had practically grown up in the same house as him.  His mom had raised Evan as much she had raised her own son.  She was best friends with Heidi for God’s sake!  And she was telling him, only a few days later, to move on.  Like nothing had happened.  Get some new friends and forget all about him.  He closed the door to his room.

 

It all started to sink in the moment he was completely alone.  The kids at school thought he’d shrug it off, his parents hoped he would make new friends and move on, and he was clinging to Evan by writing fake emails with Connor.  He was suddenly drained from dealing with everyone.

 

_Why should I play this game of pretend_

_Remembering through a different tomorrow_

_He was a nerd and my only friend_

_Don’t the tears just pour_

 

_I could curl up and hide in my room_

_Play video games, still sobbing tomorrow_

_I could give in to all of the gloom_

_But tell me, tell me what for_

 

_Why should I have a heavy heart_

_Why should I say you didn’t change me_

_Why should I forget and move on from you?_

 

_Why should I play the cooler guy and_

_Lie saying I don’t miss you_

_And that my world is the same without your light_

_I won’t sing a requiem tonight_

 

Heidi couldn’t help but sob as she read the emails from Evan and Connor.  Her hands shook as the carefully put them down.

 

_I gave you my best, but was always away_

_Not seeing the broken pieces around you_

_Everything hidden, nothing to say_

_So I can’t sing a requiem tonight_

 

_I hear your voice and feel you near_

_Within these words I see your friends saw you_

_And now that I know that you are still here_

_I can’t sing a requiem tonight_

 

_Why should I have a heavy heart_

_Why should I say you didn’t change me_

_Why should I forget and move on from you?_

 

_Why should I play the cooler guy and_

_Lie saying I don’t miss you and that_

_My world is the same without your light_

_I can’t sing a requiem tonight_

 

_Cause when the squire falls_

_The kingdom doesn’t wheep_

_No one lights a candle to remember_

_No, no one mourns at all_

_When they lay them down to sleep_

 

_So don’t tell me that it’s gonna be alright_

_Don’t tell me he’s moved on and to the light_

_After all that we’ve been through_

_Don’t say that there’s no use_

_That he was just someone I barely knew_

 

_Cause I cannot play the cooler guy and_

_Lie saying I don’t miss you and that_

_My world is the same_

 

_I won’t sing a requiem_

 

_I can’t sing a requiem_

 

_I won’t sing a requiem tonight_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> High School Musical was a blessing you know these two memes know this.
> 
> Confession time: After writing this I started listing to the soundtrack again and almost sobbed because Evan was alive? Like I forget he wasn't dead? But then I cried cause that meant Connor was dead....


	7. If I Could Tell Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this is in character......

Even walking, Connor got home faster than he would have liked.  In fact, he got home just in time for dinner.

 

“I heard at school that you and Evan were friends,” Zoe said, tension in her voice.

 

“I know,” Connor stated, pushing his food around on his plate.  His mom was on another diet changing fad and as usual, thought her family would enjoy bland dishes.

 

Zoe’s eyes left her plate where she was doing the same as Connor, creating an illusion of eating, “Then why was he never over for… I dunno, dinner?”

 

Connor raised his eyebrows, looking down at the food and back to her.

 

Her shoulders dropped, “Ok point taken.”

 

Larry cleared his throat, “I thought this Evan boy was a model student?”

 

Cynthia shot a look to her husband and looked to her son, “If you need to talk to someone about this-”

 

Connor slammed his fork onto the table, “I’ve heard the speal about a hundred times today.  I’m _FINE.”_  He pushed himself away from the table and rushed up to his room.

 

He heard the tell tale loud talking that was the precurser to an agrument between his parents.  Rubbing his hand over his face he sighed.  It figured that he wouldn’t escape the whole Evan escapade at home.  Connor looked down at his fingernails.  The black had chipped off to the point a few nails were completely free of nail polish.

 

Through his bedroom door, he heard his dad loudly close his office door and his mom leave the house to go to yoga.  The TV turned on a few minutes later in the living room.  He looked back to his nails as his emotions finally drained away to the point of being numb.

 

Zoe’s room wasn’t exactly a place he like to invade.  He only really caught glimpses of it when the door was occasionally left open.  Her walls were a calming pale purple as opposed to his neutral gray-blue room.  Thankfully her dresser was close to the door so he just had to duck inside for a breif moment to snag a bottle of her black nailpolish from ontop of it.

 

Connor didn’t have the energy to close his door as he retreated back into his room.  He only got a few feet into the threshold when he leaned against an empty wall and slid down to the floor.  Nailpolish remover was outside of his motivation and there was so little of the previous coat left that he spent five minutes chipping the remainder off, mind blank.

 

He was working on his second hand when Zoe climbed the stairs and walked past his room towards hers.  She stopped and backtracked to his doorframe.

 

“Is that…. Is that _my_ nailpolish?  What the fuck, Connor?” she accused.

 

Connor didn’t look up from the next nail he was painting, “Didn’t have the energy.”

 

She scoffed and shook her head, “What the fuck does that mean?”

 

He moved on to the next nail, “I’m out.  I’d have to get in the car, go to the store, find the nailpolish, go to the checkout, deal with the person…”  

 

Zoe heard the complete lack of emotion in his voice, pure exhaustion the only thing she could detect, “Wait… is that why you took one like three months ago?”

 

Connor didn’t respond as he finished the last nail and carefully screwed the lid back on.  She stood there, neither saying anything for a minute as he waited for his nails to dry.  Her glare softened as he continued to stare straight ahead at nothing.

 

“I’m sorry about your friend,” she softly said.

 

He shrugged, “Stuff happens.”

 

She hesitated and entered his room, sitting down against the wall a foot away.  The two didn’t say anything for another minute.

 

“It’s still gotta suck…” Zoe offered.

 

Connor sighed, “What’s worse is how everyone is suddenly so interested in me.  Where was that a few months ago when I didn’t show up because I was just too fucking tired?  Or when I blew up because the teacher wouldn’t _listen_ to what I was asking?  Another kid dies and now they want to know all about me.”

 

Zoe picked up the nailpolish bottle and opened it, “I gotta admit this is pretty calming.”

 

He finally looked over and watched as she started to work on her own nails, “I guess.”

 

The two sat in silence as she took her time painting.

 

After the last nail, Zoe put the bottle down and looked over at her brother, “I’m sorry.”

 

Connor’s face remained blank, still completely drained and numb, “I’ve already heard that.”

 

She shook her head, “Not about Evan.  I mean yeah, I’m also sorry about that, he must have been a really good friend but… I mean for everything else.”  She sighed as she saw her brother still emotionless.  “I shouldn’t just sit by and let Dad yell at you all the time.”

 

His face scrunched up in confusion, “What?”

 

“I mean… what happens is you do something not so bad, he yells, you yell, you do something worse, he yells, you yell, and it’s just a neverending cycle.  Maybe if I didn’t just watch it happen…” she trailed off.

 

“It’s not because of you.  Dad’s just a dick,” Connor shrugged.

 

“Yeah but…” Zoe stared back at her nails and to Connor’s.  They matched.  “He doesn’t listen though, not that I can really judge… I hear but I don’t really care…”

 

Connor ran his hand through his hair, the numbness starting to fade ever so slightly, “Again, Zoe, not your fault.”

 

Zoe looked at Connor’s face.  She rarely spoke to Connor, but that was because lately he was almost never at the house.  He’d find somewhere to hang around before coming back home to sleep.  He was almost never calm like this and it was even harder to find him like this when Dad was home.  He’d lock the door to his room to avoid confrontation.  This might be the last chance for a long time for either to actually talk to each other without the yelling.

 

She hesitated before asking, “What would you and Evan talk about?”

 

He turned to face her, “What are you talking about?”

 

“Well when Dad gets on my nerves I talk to my friends.  If Evan was yours….” she looked away and stared at the floor.

 

Connor’s numbness dispersed and he sighed.  Zoe was trying here.  “We talked about trees a lot.”

 

Zoe looked back up in confusion, “Trees?”

 

He shrugged, “Evan like them.  That’s actually how he broke his arm.”

 

She cracked a small smile, “That’s kinda pathetic sounding.”

 

Connor let out a quick laugh, “That’s what I told him.”

 

There was another silence before Zoe asked, “What else?”

 

He looked at her and back to the wall across from him, “I told him how Dad was a huge ass.”  Another moment passed before Connor spoke back up, “I also told him about you…”

 

In the corner of his eye he saw Zoe look back to him.  He refused to turn back to her.  If he was going to keep lying about Evan, he’d rather not look in her eyes in case she saw right through him.

 

“What… what about me?” she asked, hope slipping into her voice.

 

“Well… um…” Connor knew plenty of things to say but…

 

She scooched on the floor to properly turn towards him, “Just pretend I’m him.”

 

Connor glimpsed back up at her and took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself.  He had a chance to somehow connect to her again.  Steeling himself, he closed his eyes, trying to pretend no one else was in the room with him.

 

_I said there’s nothing like her smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real_

_I said she never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel_

_And I know that whenever she gets bored she scribbles stars on the cuffs of her jeans_

_And I notice that she still feels out those quizzes that they put in those teen magazines_

 

_But I keep it all inside my head_

_What I see I leave unsaid_

_And though I’ve wanted to_

_I can’t just tell the truth_

_I haven’t found a way_

 

_But I will always say_

_If I could tell her_

_Tell her everything I see_

_If I could tell her how she’s everything to me_

_But we’re a million worlds apart_

_And I don’t know how I would even start_

 

_If I could tell her_

_If I could_

 

Connor opened his eyes and chanced looking back a Zoe.  She was taken aback.  She hadn’t thought that what Connor thought about her was nice.  In fact, she hadn’t expected him to know anything about her at all.  He looked away.  He felt so stupid telling her all this when he was such a terrible brother.  Telling her he did notice what she did wouldn’t fix that fact, that he would yell at her and take things out on here when she had nothing to do with anything negative happening.

 

Zoe nudged him, “Was… was there anything else?”

 

He focused on the wall ahead of him.

  


_I thought you looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair_

 

Her growing happiness was almost contagious.  “Really?” she giggled.

 

_And I’ve wondered how you learned to dance like the rest of the world isn’t there_

 

_But I keep it all inside my head_

_What I see I leave unsaid_

_If I could tell you_

_Tell you everything I see_

_If I could tell you how you’re everything to me_

 

_But we’re a million worlds apart_

 

_I don’t know how I would even start_

_If I could tell you_

_If I could tell you_

 

_What do you do when there’s this great divide?_

 

_You just seemed so far away_

 

_And what do you do when the distance is too wide?_

 

_It’s like I don’t know anything_

 

_And how do you say “I love you”?_

_“I love you”?_

_I love you_

 

_But we’re a million worlds apart_

_And I don’t know how I would even start_

_If I could tell you_

_If I could_

 

Connor heard a sniffle and looked back to Zoe, shocked to see her eyes watering up.

 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, whiping a hand under her nose.

 

He shook his head and rubbed his hand over his eye, willing to not cry, “It’s not your fault.  And I know telling you this stuff doesn’t fix anything.  I’m still an asshole.  You don’t deserve to have me yelling shit at you.”

 

She slapped his arm, “You’re not the only asshole in this house, Connor.  I’m just as bad for provoking you after Dad lays into you.”

 

Connor lost it then, tears finally leaking from his eyes, still escaping to his cheeks despite him trying to catch them with his sweatshirt sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this doesn't fix their relationship, but this song is kind of used in the same way, telling Zoe that Connor does notice and care despite him being an asshole. It's kind of the begining of them trying to reestablish a relationship.


End file.
